Crazy....

Plane Lady!

You've heard of Crazy Cat Lady... (obsessed with cats...).... Well... Now... for your education... I announce there is a new woman on the block! Crazy Plane Lady is obsessed with... planes! (Simples! eh?) Or to be more specific... with photographing planes... 

How do I happen to come by knowledge of this fascinating (to other plane spotting folk) creature? I live very close to an airport... and have been sharing my house with her for the past 5/6 days. 

Crazy Plane Lady has this amazing ability to hear the sound of  planes... and know if they are approaching, going in the wrong direction... or just moving about on the tarmac at the airport... It's almost like she's got radar... "Stop! A plane is approaching! I'm gonna get a photo THIS time!" is an oft heard mantra...no matter what is occurring... (Well almost no matter... I've not been abandoned in the shower... yet!)  

As is "Dog Nabbit (or something slightly earthier)...! It was going in completely the wrong direction!"  (This is a particularly fascinating thing about Crazy Plane Lady.... How did she know this? Surely the pilot would be heading in the right direction... or he (it's rarely a she) is really not a very good pilot!) 

So there you have it folks... Crazy Plane Lady... a woman who is determined to be like the Mounties and always get her photo of that plane... Or something like that... (if she takes to photographing men... and therefore "always gets her photo of that man"... you will hear it here first... once I've bailed her out of the nick for being a stalker!) I tell you... the person who figured out how to get a camera into a mobile phone... has a LOT to answer for! 

California Dreamin'....

All the leaves are brown and the sky is gray.
I've been for a walk on a winter's day.
I'd be safe and warm if I was in L.A.;
California dreamin' on such a winter's day.
 
 Crazy weather.... Wind and driving rain... then sunshine again! Arrrgh! 

Don't think that the UK is quite at the "all the leaves are brown" stage yet... well not here at least! But... it sure was windy when Adriana and I at last ventured out when the rain had stopped (to get batteries... otherwise the door chime that I use to alert her to the fact that I need help.. when my "singing" is either sung out (every note would be a "bum" note!) or would be ineffective... was being ahem... temperamental...)... and dreaming of  being somewhere else... seems a good idea! Not sure about California though...Hmmm... Where else is warm and sunny at the end of October?
 

"Danger Zone"

What? Where? Who? How? What's all this about DANGER? Well... living in within any close range of me can be a little bit... risky... ;)

To start off with... there's Querida Jaunita... To me she's great... But other people... well they think that I need to have someone walking (ok running!) in front of me ringing a hand bell (or something like that!)...Similar to what happened when motor cars were first used on British roads... OK they didn't move very fast by today's standards.. in fact they went at something approaching 2 miles an hour... but to a population who up to then had only walked, used pedal cycles, or horses/horse drawn carriages... they were something to be warned of!  So... someone walked in front of them... ringing a hand bell.  Hmmm... I wonder if the Mobot has any time on his hands? 

Then there's the after hair-wash turban-making ritual. Hey... I don't have long hair any more... sob... so it's my only chance to do the Clairol "Because You're Worth It"... head tossing thing... Just don't get anywhere within 3 meters of me whilst I'm doing it... or your get  slapped on the head with a towel! (Adriana can vouch for this!) 

Hey... who said life has to be boring? 


 

"One way...."

"...or another I'm gonna find ya
I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha
One way or another I'm gonna win ya
I'll getcha, I'll getcha
One way or another I'm gonna see ya
I'm gonna meetcha meetcha meetcha meetcha
One day, maybe next week
I'm gonna meetcha, I'll meeeee....." {{{{CRASH!!!!!}}}


[Benevolent passer by scoops up dazed and bewildered "singer".... who not deterred by the experience is still raring to go]

...The unfortunate consequence of having a dog that likes chasing flies (and other small, buzzing, flying. creatures)... on an oil rig... 

 This is dedicated to Pippa Grant... oh and Emily Grant... who I think is inclined to think that "One way or another....."

"Steamy....Glasses"????

Some of you out there may like Tina Turner... In that case... let me assure you that I do too... and apologise for ahem... slightly massacring a very very good song of hers...



I WAS THINKING ABOUT PARKING THE OTHER NIGHT

WE WAS OUT ON THE BACK ROAD
ME AND MY WOMAN WAS JUST GETTIN' RIGHT
OUR SYSTEMS ON OVERLOAD
THE RADIO BLASTING IN THE FRONT SEAT
TURNING OUT THE MUSIC FINE
WE WAS SNUGGLED UP IN THE BACK SEAT
MAKING UP FOR LOST TIME

STEAMY WINDOWS - ZERO VISIBILITY
STEAMY WINDOWS - COMING FROM THE BODY HEAT

YOU CAN WINE AND DINE A WOMAN ALL NIGHT
WITH GOOD INTENTIONS
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT COMPETITION ON A BACK ROAD
BREAKS DOWN THE DEFENCES

STEAMY WINDOWS - AIN'T NOBODY CAN SEE
STEAMY WINDOWS - COMING FROM THE BODY HEAT

THERE'S A SOUND OUTSIDE THE FRONT DOOR
AND I KNOW IT'S JUST THE WIND
BUT IT MAKES HER SNUGGLE UP JUST A LITTLE BIT CLOSER
AND IT STARTS THINGS HAPPENING AGAIN

STEAMY WINDOWS - ZERO VISIBILITY
STEAMY WINDOWS -COMING FROM THE BODY HEAT
STEAMY WINDOWS - STEAMY WINDOWS

I was thinking ‘bout showering the other night,

Getting ready in the wet room

Me and my carer can’t be getting it right

Guess we’re lucky it don’t overflow…

Steamy Glasses – Zero Visibility

Steamy Glasses

Coming from the shower heat!

Yeah we start each evening all ready and correct, with good intentions

But when the shower goes on it turns into some kind of snake…

Thought I ought to mention…

Steamy Glasses – Ain’t nobody can see

Steamy Glasses – Coming from the shower heat

Steamy Glasses…..  Steamy Glasses….

 

"I'm plastered... absolutely plastered..."

... And at 8.30 am too! 

Now, for those who are slightly bemused, "getting plastered" is slang for getting very very drunk... Well despite my nose seeming like it's taking preparations for running next years Virgin London Marathon VERY seriously indeed... (lots and LOTS of practice...If I blow it any more I will have another problem to deal with that will mean I will look like I have very generously applied sunblock to it... it's NOT... it's E45 cream... to deal with a sore nose from lots of running... well... Claire Stevens who ran  VLM2014 recommends lots of vaseline for friction caused by running... not sure about that... Think I'll stick to the E45 thanks all the same Claire!) I haven't yet taken any cold remedies with anything that could induce drunkenness in them...

So... what's with this "getting plastered"? (And at 8.30 am too!) Well... I literally was plastered... on both legs from foot to just below knee... Getting plastered is something of a dangerous sport if one has tremor and spasm... LOL Fear not... the lovely lady who was doing the job has escaped with all her teeth, and no black eyes or concussion. The next step is for the ever so talented people in the orthotics department to custom make the Ankle Foot Orthosis(e?) using the casts of my lower legs and feet... and then they get sent all the way to the Isle of Oswestry... where  some kind of clever biomechanics is used to turn them into devices that deliver gradual pressure on my feet and ankles... gently persuading the muscles to stretch again (they've been all tight and causing my feet to "drop" when they aren't propped up on wheelchair foot plates, or something else, for years... ) ! Of course such magic doesn't happen overnight... so it will be a month or so before I will be able to go in for a "fitting" with the finished articles... and they will be coloured...! (I'm not letting on what colour yet!)

If I haven't got rid of this cold by the time my "splints" are ready for action... I may have no nose left!

A surfeit of...

.... Head-cases!  That's the only way I can describe it...  First Chris... Then Jill... and now Adrianna... All thinking that the National (Hospital For Neurology and Neurosurgery) is a 5 star hotel... and clamouring to book their beds there... In the Acute Brain Injuries Unit... is my recommendation... Or Bedlam...as they are all nutters! :D

Chris favoured headbutting the bathroom cabinet... Jill does a fine turn headbutting the  hanging basket in the back garden (narrowly missing the wall it's hanging on!)... Whilst Adriana... thought she'd liven up showering last night by giving the washbasin a sly nudge or two... with her head! 
Never mind caring for me... I end up caring for them ;)  Bless their cotton socks... but oh boy would it make an interesting 999 call... "Well you see operator... my carer has decided to knock herself out cold..." 

Honestly... it's a bizarre version of the 3 monkeys... I heard that... I felt that... You did WHAT???

Is it a phone? Is it a remote control? Only Smarties have the answer!

This all started with one of those annoying phone calls where someone from another country... with a distinctly non English accent... tries to get you to believe that there is something amiss with something you own... Which of course there isn't... and you know there isn't... So the phone call wasn't particularly long... So far so good!

It all started going slightly amiss when I was trying to put the phone handset back in its little base thingy... My phone has a talent... (one that may be a little unusual... or quite common... I haven't done a survey of 100 people to find out... but it is DEFINITELY annoying!) ... it does backflips (possibly with triple salkos or other such artistic fripperies... I don't know... by the time it is doing such things... it is heading down the back of the small wheeled tidy that serves as a little table by my easychair... and I am unable to observe them) out of its base unit. 

Now... I am a little (ok a lot) limited in what I can do to retrieve my phone once it has shown off its talent.  Reaching forwards tends to demonstrate to me once again that my sitting/kneeling balance is rather non existant... and I end up having to be extricated from the predicament I have got myself in... still without the phone!  On this occasion the phone had flipped itself behind one of my craft wardrobes that is next to the little table it is usually on... This was discovered after several "here's the phone!" exclamations by Jill... who resurfaced holding... a now no longer used tv remote control... Personally I think she needs to go to Specsavers... as when she finally retrieved the dratted phone handset from its landing place... (with the aid of a ladle from the kitchen)  on comparing the  "phones " with the real deal... I am certain that  only the real deal actually looks anything LIKE a phone... But... I too am having interesting times with my vision at the moment... so... maybe we will just have to stick something really obvious on all phone handsets to identify them as phone handsets... and to stop me from picking up tv remotes... and going "Hello? Hello?" like a total and utter eejit... Failing that... The Smarties will have to be consulted!
 

"You're half octopus"

... How's that for a compliment eh? And first thing in the morning too! :D

According to Jill I am half discombobulated octopus - the half with all the arms and legs. This of course makes dressing rather ahem challenging... but then we like challenges. The trick we have discovered is to try and NOT get the arms through the head hole... and to try and persuade the legs that trouser legs are only made for one... not BOTH legs... when it comes to onesies... well... getting the thing the right way round is a good start! (Shhhh! This is insider information... Jill hasn't met one of my onesies yet... I'm saving that treat for a little bit later...)

"It's on the map!"

It's all appointments at the moment...

• up to london scans, follow up appointments to do with the scans, to see if  
• slightly less of a distance to go to the orthotist, a rather nice man who says I have foot drop caused by ankle contracture and will need foot splints, 
• getting plastered (the local hospital even has a room for getting plastered in!), 
• splint fittings, 
• chiropodists (who aren't sure quite what to do with me at the moment... cut me toe(nail)s off or... ooo hope they don't cut my feet off and have done with it... will make the splints rather redundant!) 
• and last but certainly not least... the Speech and Language Therapist to see if anything can be done about my body's rather unfortunate habit of trying to choke me (food, drink, spit... anything that comes to hand at the moment... it really isn't very fussy)....

Anyway... having got the letter about the appointment for the SaLT... Jill (my new victim... ahem! I mean carer... or if one is feeling posh Personal Assistant) enquired as to the location of the appointment. My answer "It's on the map."  Apparently I said something v hilarious... but really... asking a person who has the sense of direction of a mole that has been dragged out of its hole and bashed over the head (giving it a jolly good headache not to mention a bit of a concussion...)... where somewhere that they've never been to before is...

Well... the nice people who typed the letter have highlighted the location that we need to reach in a nice shade of purple. I am confident that finding it will deepen  Jill's knowledge of Rochford, Essex, even further. So... the appointment will serve a dual purpose... and all will be well that ends well. Hurrah! 

A coupla basket cases...

... Oh dear oh dear oh dear... First Chris... Now Jill... the next thing I know... the ABIU (Acute Brain Injury Unit) at NHNN (the National Hospital for Neurology and Neurosurgery) will be being over-run by my carers... 

"And why the gloomy prediction?" I hear you ask? Well... the other day Jill was outside... supposedly checking the weather... (it can at times be totlly different weather out the back of the house to out the front of the house... sunshine one side... rain the other... what is one to do if one needs to go out? Answers on the back of a postage stamp please!) In reality it turns out that she was head butting the hanging basket on the wall... (Fortunately she has a good aim... I dread to think what would have happened had she missed and  head butted the wall...) Just as well the hanging basket was unoccupied... otherwise we'd have severely discombobulated

verb

[with object] humorous , chiefly North American Disconcert or confuse (someone): (as adjective discombobulated) he is looking a little pained and discombobulated
plants with severe concussions (or worse) to deal with... Not to mention some discombobulated carers... but then... that just goes to show they've been matched to perfection with yours truly...  who is in a state of near permanent discombobulation... 

discombobulated.com... hmmm... I don't think that quite has the same ring as confused.com... drat!